


Nothing so Lonely (as Grief)

by RemyJane



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Grief, Loss of loved ones, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 06:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20421218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemyJane/pseuds/RemyJane
Summary: There was no manual for what to do when you lost one of the most important people in your life, no set of step-by-step instructions for when it felt like the world ended but you had to keep going.———Nicky and Alex navigate love after loss.





	Nothing so Lonely (as Grief)

**Author's Note:**

> CW: this fic covers the aftermath of loss and the pain associated with it.
> 
> I meant to write a short something for 8/19, but here we are a week and 12,000 words later.

The Nicklas Backstrom that arrived in DC was inexplicably not the same Nicklas Backstrom Alex had drafted a year prior. Something was different about him, something had changed; something about Nicky was familiar, even if he was completely foreign to Alex. 

Alex and Nicky were always circling back around to each other. On the ice, off the ice, it didn’t matter; Alex knew where Nicky was, and that was where he wanted to be. 

Alex wasn’t the kind of person to have secrets. Even before the season opened, he told Nicky about Sergei, about how he had two brothers, even if Nicky would only ever meet one. 

“I’m sorry.” Nicky said, his eyes soft. “That’s- that’s terrible.”

“Yeah.” Alex nodded. It wasn’t as hard to talk about as it had been. It was easier to have an awkward conversation early on and be able to freely bring it up later. Alex liked to talk about his brother, he liked to remember all the good memories. “Bad, but...it’s been a long time now.” 

“How long?” Nicky asked softly. “If you don’t mind-“

“I was 10. So, 11 years.”

Nicky nodded slowly, looking thoughtful. “How long until...how long until it didn’t...until it wasn’t…” until it wasn’t so bad, Alex mentally filled in. 

“I don’t know.” He admitted. “Years. Little bit at a time.” 

Alex has mourned his brother until he couldn’t possibly any more and everything that he was left with were the good memories and a certainty that his life had been irrevocably changed. He missed his brother, of course, but he’d been missing him for over a decade; missing Sergei was as familiar as breathing and it didn’t hurt so much as he felt a longing for him. 

Nicky nodded. “Right.” He looked down at his hands. 

There had to be a reason he was asking. Maybe Nicky had lost someone too. Maybe he was just curious. 

———

Even when they were surrounded by their teammates, Nicky seemed more alone than anyone else, more distracted, more lost in their own thoughts. 

Whenever something caught his attention and drew him back into the moment, Alex could see a moment where he looked surprised, like he expected something else, someone else. 

———

If Nicky was drinking, Alex learned, then it was to excess; maybe it was because it was novel, maybe it was because he was young, but he didn’t seem capable of nursing a drink. Maybe it was because of something else, but it almost seemed mission-oriented. 

In Canada, where he was legal, Alex watched Nicky take four shots in a row. He was laughing, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

“You ok?” Alex asked. 

Nicky looked up, a hand hovering just below the collar of his shirt before he dropped it. “What?”

“You ok?” 

Nicky shrugged, grinning. “Sure.” He looked at the empty glasses in front of him. “Why?”

“Just…drinking a lot, that’s all.” 

Nicky didn’t look up. “I’m fine.” He said softly. It didn’t sound certain, but Alex didn’t possess the language skills to explain that without sounding like a crazy person. 

“Let’s get-“ Nicky hiccuped. “Let’s get more.” He decided, heading back to the bar. 

Nicky left before Alex, disappearing without saying goodbye. When Alex and Sasha finally went to walk back to the hotel Nicky and Michael Nylander were still outside. 

Alex could see them across the street, sitting on a bench. Nicky had his head in his hands and Nylander had a hand between his shoulder blades. Silhouetted by streetlights, they looked like something from a painting, something morose hanging in a dim museum. 

———

Nicky got moved to Alex and Sasha’s line and they clicked. They didn’t have to talk much to get it right; it felt natural, the way Nicky could find him anywhere on the ice. 

If Alex thought about kissing him when he jumped into his arms after each goal, well, it wasn’t Alex’s fault good hockey hands were such a turn on. 

———

They were laying on the floor of Alex’s house, the sound of Mike and Sasha bickering the kitchen drifting in from the kitchen. Alex was drunk and he was exhausted from playing, but he didn’t want to go to bed. He liked how his house felt with his friends over, liked the feeling of having them close. He wasn’t lonely, per say, but maybe he would be; maybe he could be. Maybe he didn’t really want to be alone and have the opportunity to find out. 

Nicky was within reach of his fingertips. Alex wanted to touch him, or kiss him, but that could’ve been the alcohol. Or maybe it was just the leftover excitement from Nicky’s assist to him in overtime. Maybe it was the way Nicky’s curls looked smushed under his toque. 

Nicky had his eyes closed, his cheeks pink, giggling as Sasha started to insult Mike’s drink-mixing abilities. 

“You ever think about getting married?” Alex asked abruptly. He couldn’t make himself ask if Nicky liked him, or if Nicky would even like if Alex liked him, but...for some reason he opened his mouth and marriage came out. 

“Yeah.” Nicky said quietly. “Once.” 

Alex rolled onto his side, propped up on his elbow to look at him more closely. “Really?” He asked, surprised. 

Nicky nodded. “Yeah.” He whispered. He kept his eyes closed. Maybe he was tired, but Alex thought it was something else; almost like he was hiding. 

“What happened?”

“He died.” Nicky said, with a sort of forced casualness as he sat up. He scrubbed his his hand across his face, doing his best not to make eye contact. 

Mike came in with more drinks, derailing the conversation. 

———

Alex didn’t forget, couldn’t possibly forget. He turned the conversation over and over in his mind, trying to pull more meaning from so few words, trying to elucidate something from almost nothing. 

He hadn’t realized how much he didn’t know about Nicky, about how much Nicky could keep to himself. Alex had told Nicky about his loss, his past, but that didn’t mean that Nicky owed him anything in return. 

———

Sitting in video review the next day, staring at the back of Nicky’s head, Alex was still trying to make sense of what Nicky had said. 

Mike whispered something in Nicky’s ear and the blond grinned, but it didn’t look real. 

———

Alex hosted a Halloween party. They started early enough so that the guys with kids could bring their families. Alex used it as an excuse to buy all the candy he wanted, childish glee filling him as he loaded a grocery cart full of sweets. 

Nicky had one of the younger Nylander kids, Stephanie, in his arms when they arrived. The boys went straight the backyard, where the games and other kids were. Nicky lagged behind, standing in front of the entryway mirror with the toddler and pointing to her reflection. They were speaking Swedish, but Alex assumed they were naming noses and eyes, based on her pointing. 

“You didn’t dress up?” Alex asked; after careful deliberation, he’d decided to be a vampire, complete with cape.

Nicky shrugged. “Didn’t feel like it.” He mumbled. Stephanie reached up and poked his nose, distracting him and making him laugh. She giggled, clearly proud of herself.

“Everyone’s in the backyard.” Alex said. “Drinks in the kitchen.” 

Later, when the kids all left and the party became decidedly less family-friendly, Alex found Nicky outside by the pool, his feet dangling over the edge. “You ok?” He asked, wincing when Nicky startled. “Sorry.” He added. 

Nicky looked up and forced a smile. “I’m ok.” He promised, his hand brushing over the center of his chest for a moment. 

Alex sat down next to him. “You wanna play Call of Duty?” He asked. 

Nicky wrinkled his nose, shrugging. “That’s ok.” Alex grinned at his thinly veiled disinterest. 

“Sasha wants to play air hockey, maybe you play with him so he stops whining.” He added. 

Nicky kicked his feet, nodding slowly. “Yeah, ok.” 

It took a while, but eventually Nicky was laughing and looked like he was finally having fun.

———

When they roomed together, Alex saw the ring. 

Nicky took care that it wasn’t obvious. He wore it on a chain, tucked under his shirt. Many players wore a pendant or something for luck, so it went unnoticed. Nicky was always careful to keep himself covered; Nicky was always careful, in general. 

“Is that from your…” Alex didn’t know the right word. 

“No, it’s....I gave it to him.” Nicky said. “To Lukas.”

“Oh.” Alex nodded, unsure what to say. Would Nicky want to talk about it, would he not want to dwell on it now? Alex understood both sides of lose, the wanting to remember and wanting to avoid pain. 

Nicky bit his lip, sitting on the edge of his bed. He had his hands tucked into the ends of his sleeves and he radiated tension. 

“I’m sorry.” Alex said suddenly, interrupting the silence. 

Nicky smiled, still not looking up. “Thank you.” 

Nicky fell asleep that night and Alex couldn’t.

He had a computer, he could so easily try to find out more about Lukas. There was probably information out there. But doing that felt like a violation of trust, even though Nicky hadn’t told him anything. 

His patience, his restraint, was rewarded the next day. 

“Lukas was on my team.” Nicky said, seemingly out of the blue. He glanced at Alex out of the corner of his eye. 

Alex lowered the remote and looked back. “You played together?”

“Yeah.” Nicky nodded. “He played defense.” 

Alex couldn’t help but smile. “Not fast center, like you?” He teased. 

Nicky grinned at him, laughing. “No. It wasn’t...I knew him since we were kids.” He said. 

“That’s sweet.” Alex said. 

Nicky nodded, rubbing his sleeve across his eyes. They looked a little too wet, his cheeks a little too pink. “Yeah.” He agreed quietly. “He was...he was very...he liked to make everyone laugh.” 

“How old when you met him?” Alex asked, trying not to break the moment. 

“8.” Nicky said, turning the ring between his fingers. “He moved to my school.” 

“You like him then?”

“Yeah.” Nicky said. “I...but I was too…too shy.”

“You?” Alex teased. 

Nicky snorted, brushing his hair back off his face. “I know.” 

———

Alex did Thanksgiving with the Nylanders and Nicky, a charming blend of Swedish food and American customs. 

Nicky and Alex were on meatball duty; it took a lot of meatballs to feed the Nylander clan. 

“That one’s too big.” Nicky said, pointing to the meatball in Alex’s hand. 

“Too big? No, it’s perfect.” Alex said, grinning. 

Nicky laughed, his eyes closing as his head leaned back. “It is! Use the scale.” 

“You don’t need scale.”

“No.” Nicky said, almost primly. “You do.” 

“My meatball’s just as good as yours.” Alex said, trying not to laugh and give himself away. 

Nicky kicked at him under the table. “Whatever, they are not.” He looked like he was trying not to laugh. 

“You meatball expert?” Alex asked, plopping his meatball down on the scale. He was willing to aggravate Nicky, he wasn’t willing to risk aggravating Mrs. Nylander. 

“I made them all the time with my grandmother.” Nicky said, smiling. “They have to be the same size, so they cook best.”

“You got lots of practice?”

“Lots.” Nicky affirmed. “She made me use the scale when I was little.” 

To make his point, Nicky set his meatball down on the scale. Alex wrinkled his nose when the weight was perfect. “Ok, meatball king.” He teased. “I use the scale.” 

Nicky rolled his eyes, smiling at him anyway. 

———

Before Nicky did interviews, before he took a shift, sometimes just when he was talking, he’d touch his fingers to his sternum for just a second. 

It took Alex awhile to realize he was touching the ring.

———

“Are you ok?” Mike asked as Nicky finished his drink. 

“Yeah. Why?” Nicky asked. 

Mike gestured vaguely at the glass in his hand. “You’re going kinda fast there, that’s all.”

Nicky looked down, tracing his finger in circles on the table. “Thought you wanted to get drunk.” He said. 

Mike rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but it’s not a race.” 

Nicky shrugged, still not looking up. “Ok.” He agreed easily. “Whatever.” 

Mike looked over at Alex, a troubled furrow between his brows. Wordlessly, Alex shrugged. 

———

Nicky texted Alex on a Tuesday night. ‘You want to go drink?’ He asked. 

Alex was sitting on his couch contemplating why he didn’t buy better junk food; he could get rid of it before his mother came to visit again. He didn’t particularly want to get drunk, at least not in the same way Nicky probably did. 

‘Ice cream?’ Alex countered. 

‘Yeah ok.’ Nicky replied quickly. 

‘B there in 10’ Alex texted back, grabbing his shoes. 

Nicky was waiting outside, tossing his backpack into the back seat and sinking into the passenger seat. “You sneak out?” Alex asked. 

“Didn’t want to tell the kids.” He said, smiling. 

Alex laughed.

They went to a place with a drive through and then just sat in the back of the parking lot, quietly eating their treats. 

“Lukas and me used to get milkshakes.” Nicky said. “After...after games, sometimes.” 

Alex nodded. “Sergei would take me for ice cream after games. He made me promise not to tell Mama.” He chuckled. “I think she knew anyway.”

“More fun if it’s secret.” Nicky said, smiling at him softly. 

“Yeah, exactly. And...nice to have time together, too. To talk.” 

Nicky nodded slowly. “Kris and me aren’t...we were friends but…”

“Sergei was a lot older, 7 years. So...he seemed so grown up to me.” Alex explained. 

“Kris is only 2 years older.” Nicky said. “Never seemed grown up.” 

Alex laughed. “Felt like I could tell Sergei anything and he’d never be upset.”

“What about your other brother?” Nicky asked. 

“More like you and Kris, I think. Closer in age, more competitive, between us.”

Nicky nodded. “We used to fight when I was little. A lot.”

“Yes, same.”

“Now, it’s better.” Nicky said. “I can...we’re good friends now.” 

Nicky went quiet for a bit, focused on digging a piece of cookie dough out of his ice cream. 

Alex finished his. “It was hard for me and Mikhail, after...hard to be two, when there used to be three.” He admitted. He didn’t usually talk about that part, the part where the dynamic of his family had changed so dramatically. But he thought Nicky would know what he meant. 

“I...Yeah. It’s...it’s hard to figure out how…how things change.” Nicky nodded. 

“Exactly.” Alex agreed, relieved to be understood. 

“Hard for me to- to be with our friends, after.” Nicky said, so quietly Alex almost couldn’t hear him. “I just...It was…” 

“It reminds you?”

“Yeah. And it just...makes me miss him more.” Nicky’s voice shook a bit and he pressed his lips together, looking down. “Sorry.”

Alex squeezed his forearm. “Don’t be.”

———

Nicky missed an optional and he didn’t text Alex or Mike about it. 

Afterwards, Mike offered to go check on him, but Michael Nylander gently told him not to. “He’s just not feeling so good.” He said. “He’ll be ok.” 

Alex waited until Michael was getting ready to leave, following him out to the parking lot.

“Nicky’s ok?” He asked when it was just the two of them. The sadness in Michael’s eyes was stunning; Alex almost forgot to breathe. “He’s not sick?” He guessed. 

“He doesn’t need-“

“Is it about-“ Alex flushed, unable to bring himself to actually say his name. “About the ring.” He gestured to his own necklace. 

Michael nodded; if he was surprised that Alex knew, it didn’t show. 

“I just want...just want to see him, tell him...tell him we love him.” His throat felt tight. 

“Text him and make sure he’s alright with it.” Michael said. “I don’t know if he wants to be alone or not. 

Alex did and Nicky texted back a single ‘ok’. 

He stopped at the store and got two bags of gummy bears, just in case. 

Michael gave him a reassuring smile when he let him in. “He’s downstairs.” He said, gesturing toward the basement door. 

Nicky was curled up in bed, the TV on but not watching it. He was wearing a Swedish hockey hoodie Alex hadn’t seen him wear before; it looked too big. 

He looked up at Alex and wiped his eyes dry. “Hi.” He said, sounding like he was on the verge of crying. 

“I have gummy’s.” Alex said, at a loss. 

Nicky’s mouth twisted into a watery smile and he closed his eyes again. “Thanks.” 

Alex sat on the edge of the bed. “You ok?”

“Yeah.” Nicky nodded. 

“Bad day?” 

“It’s Lukas’ birthday.” Nicky said softly. “I didn’t think…”

“First birthday since...since he died?” Alex guessed; he remembered the first year after his brother had died and how painful every first had been. 

“Yeah.” Nicky nodded. “He would’ve been 21.” He added, before pressing his face into his pillow and sobbing. His shoulders shook with each breath and the way he crumbled tore at Alex’s heart. 

Alex scooted closer, rubbing his back. 

This whole time he’d been consumed with his own realization of how little he knew about Nicky and he hadn’t thought about the grief. Grief, Alex was intimately familiar with. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, but he knew the words were useless. “It’s...it’ll get better but...it fucking sucks. I’m sorry.” 

Nicky made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. 

———

Sometimes, now that he was looking, Alex could see the exact moment that grief struck. 

For Alex, it used to happen after he’d score and he’d instinctively look to where Sergei used to sit in the stands. Now, it happened when the realization that Sergei would never see how well he was doing caught up to him. When other players brought their families to team events and got to show them the arena, pangs of jealousy would flare up, reminding of what he couldn’t have. 

In the locker room after practice, Mike and Brooks were trying to rope a few other guys into going on a group date to TopGolf. 

“C’mon, you like golf.” Mike said, trying to pester Nicky into going. “Courtney could set you up with one of her friends.” 

“No, that’s ok.” Nicky said quietly. 

“It’ll be fun, c’mon.” Mike said. “She’s really sweet, I think you’ll like her.”

Nicky fidgeted uncomfortably with the chain of his necklace for a moment, looking over at Alex almost pleadingly. Before Alex could come up with a way to give him an out, Michael stepped in. 

“It’ll have to be some other time. Nicky promised to babysit tonight.” He said 

“Aw, Nyles, c’mon.” Mike complained. 

“Nope. He’s gotta earn his keep.” Michael said with a smile. “Get your stuff. Camilla made reservations for us and we’ll both be in trouble if we’re late.” 

Nicky looked relieved as he followed Michael out.

———

Michael invited Alex over for Christmas Eve when he mentioned that his family wasn’t coming to visit this year. “Don’t bring anything.” He added. “We have tons of food.” 

When Alex arrived, Camilla greeted him warmly. “Hi, Alex.” She said. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“I’m ok.” He looked over his shoulder to where the kids were playing, but Nicky wasn’t there. 

Seemingly reading his mind, Camilla answered. “He’s downstairs.”

“He’s not feeling so good.” Michael said carefully. Alex understood; the first Christmas after losing Sergei had been horrible. It had felt like they were going through the motions. He couldn’t remember if they’d decorated. He couldn’t remember if they’d given gifts. Everything was a blur of sorrow and pain. 

“I’ll go check on him.” He said. 

The basement was dark and the only light was a lamp on in the corner of Nicky’s room. Nicky was curled up on the bed, his shoulders hunched and his face hidden against a pillow. 

“Hey.” Alex said said quietly. 

“Hey.” He whispered, not looking up. 

“Merry Christmas.” Alex said, for lack of anything better. 

Nicky laughed. “Merry Christmas.” He repeated, his voice thick and wet. 

“You ok?” Alex asked, sitting down beside him. 

“Yeah, I just...I’m just…”

“Sad?” Alex said. 

“Yeah.” Nicky finally moved the pillow to look up at him, with bloodshot eyes. “I just keep thinking about last year.” He admitted. 

“What did you do?”

“Nothing exciting.” Nicky closed his eyes again. “We made cookies. It snowed, we...we went sledding with my cousins.”

“Sounds nice.” 

“It was.” Nicky’s voice cracked and he covered his face with his hands. “Fuck, I miss that so much.” 

Alex hugged him and Nicky clung to him. He wanted to say something, but what? There was nothing anyone could’ve told him that would’ve made losing his brother easier, and he suspected it was the same for Nicky. 

After Nicky calmed down again, Alex spoke. “Everyone’s upstairs.” He started. “Not the same as last year, but...still good.” 

“I know. I’m sorry, I just…” Nicky was shaking. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s hard. It sucks.” Alex commiserated. 

———

Eventually, Nicky managed to compose himself, to pack up all the broken pieces again. Alex could still see the cracks, but he knew where to look. 

They had dinner and then settled in on the couch to watch Christmas movies. The kids didn’t know the specifics, but maybe they could tell he was homesick and needed the extra affection. 

William wasn’t going out of his way to pester Nicky, instead sitting beside him and whispering about the movie to him. The toddler snuggled up with Nicky, falling asleep in his lap.

Nicky brushed her hair out of her face and looked up, catching Alex watching him. He smiled helplessly, twisting his fingers around the ring. 

———

Sasha was good at reading people, so it didn’t surprise Alex that he knew to be gentle with Nicky, careful. Alex loved Sasha like a brother and it warmed his heart to see his formerly shy friend wrapping an arm around Nicky’s shoulders and whispering in his ear conspiratorially. 

Warmed his heart, even though they were probably plotting against him. 

“Don’t listen to him.” Alex said, grinning when Nicky smiled at him. 

“You don’t know what I said.” Sasha countered. 

“Doesn’t matter.” Alex said. “I know you.”

Sasha rolled his eyes and Nicky giggled, whispering something back to Sasha. Sasha looked Alex over and shrugged, which made Nicky laugh more. 

“You’re both bad.” Alex scolded mildly, even though he couldn’t even pretend to be mad, not with both his friends looking so happy.

———

Nicky was a maudlin drunk. 

Alex really hadn’t expected anything different. He didn’t actually set out to find Nicky, he just went outside to get a moment of fresh air and quiet and saw a person half-asleep on one of his deck chairs. 

DC winters didn’t have anything on Moscow, but it was still too cold to be out for long. 

He paused when he got close enough to recognize the blond curls and flushed cheeks. Nicky blinked up at him hazily, a bottle of vodka tucked in the crook of his arm. 

“You ok?” Alex asked. He wasn’t proud to admit that he’d lost track of Nicky after the New Year celebration and he wasn’t sure how long he’d been outside. 

“Uh huh.” Nicky slurred. 

Alex snorted. “You look like shit.” 

“Fuck you.” Nicky grumbled, clumsily opening the bottle and taking a swig. 

“Do you have...are you ok? With alcohol, I mean?” Alex asked indelicately. 

Nicky’s cheeks flushed red all of the sudden and he dropped his gaze. “M’fine.” He promised to the patio. 

“Uh huh.” Alex said skeptically. “Sure.”

“Jus’ leave me alone.” Nicky whispered. “Please.” 

“You come inside, I leave you alone.” He bargained. “I’ll get in trouble if you freeze out here and lose toes.” He added. 

Nicky managed a tired smile at that. “Sorry.” 

Nicky was subdued enough, mild enough, that Alex tugged him to his feet and herded him inside without any difficulty. 

He deposited Nicky in a spare bedroom, trading out his bottle of vodka for a glass of water, and left him alone. He let everyone else think Nicky has gotten sick, grinning when Mike made a joke about it, but refusing to let anyone actually go bother him. 

Nicky was gone when Alex woke up the next morning. 

———

“Winter here sucks.” Nicky said, shivering and shaking water out of his hair. “It would be better if it just snowed.”

The weather forecast had called for freezing rain and they’d all decided to camp out at Alex’s. 

“DC has the worst fucking weather.” Mike agreed, carrying in the last few bags of groceries. Groceries may have been a generous term for the supply of frozen foods and treats they’d stocked up on, but there were some canned vegetables for making stew in the crockpot, so it wasn’t all bad. 

“More worse than Siberia?” Sasha asked. 

Mike rolled his eyes. “Sorry, I forgot, you grew up in an ice cave.” 

Sasha laughed. “It’s nice in the summer.”

“All two weeks?” Nicky asked, grinning when Alex and Mike cackled and Sasha shot him a stern glare and flipped him off. 

———

Alex wanted to have people over to eat junk food and play video games; most of the young guys were very much on board with his plan. 

“I can’t.” Nicky said, not looking up as he packed gear into his bag. “Early flight.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know. Everyone has an early flight.” He could see redness creep into Nicky’s cheeks. “It’s fine.”

“Well, I-“

“C’mon, Nicky…” Alex wheedled. “Be fun.” It would be fun without Nicky, but not as much. Alex wasn’t ashamed to admit (to himself, anyway) that he had a bit of a crush on Nicky and he just wanted to hang out with him. 

“I just don’t want to.” Nicky snapped. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. I just- I don’t feel good. I-I can’t. I’m sorry.” He finally looked up. He looked pale and tired; maybe he was getting sick. 

Alex squeezed his shoulder. “Ok.” He said. “Sorry. Feel better, Backy.” 

Nicky smiled at him, looking relieved. “Thanks.” 

———

Nicky asked Sasha if they could trade rooms, and whatever he’d said had made Sasha agree without arguing. Alex didn’t mind; Nicky was a good roomie and Mike really deserved the opportunity to be annoyed by Sasha more often. 

Alex went out with a few of the boys for dinner, but Nicky stayed at the hotel, making excuses about still not feeling well. Alex didn’t think much of it, bringing back a box of food for Nicky. 

When Alex opened the door, he could hear someone crying. At first he thought it was the TV, but it wasn’t. 

“Nicky?” Alex asked, freezing in the entryway. “What’s wrong?”

Nicky shook his head, sobbing wordlessly into his pillow as he sat on the floor between their beds. The word devastated couldn’t do it justice, didn’t encapsulate how vulnerable he looked; like the smallest thing could shatter him. 

“Are you hurt?” Alex asked, kneeling down in front of him, hands on his arms. Nicky shook his head. “Did something happen?”

“No.” Nicky said, his voice muffled. “No, no…” He wasn’t trying to get away, wasn’t trying to keep Alex from seeing him, and somehow that made it worse. 

Alex coaxed him to the bed, carefully adjusting Nicky so he could hug him to his chest. Nicky clung to him, sobs making him gasp for air as his whole body quaked. 

Nicky’s pain was raw and obvious, palpable. 

The months, the entire year, after Sergei died had been a blur. Everything had hurt so badly, so acutely, that each day seemed impossible. Everything was an immense struggle and Alex hadn’t been able to see how anything could ever get better again. 

He could feel that with Nicky, could feel his anguish. It was visceral; he felt like he’d gone back 11 years to his own loss. He closed his eyes to hold back his tears. 

Nicky finally exhausted himself, still crying quietly, like he couldn’t quite stop. 

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked. Maybe something happened back home, maybe...Alex had no idea. 

Nicky didn’t answer for a few minutes, choking on sobs and sputtering, his whole face red and wet with tears. “Does it get better?” He whispered hoarsely. “Does it...because I can’t- I can’t do this.” 

Alex hugged him tighter. “Yeah. It does. It gets better. Still...still hurts but it’s less...it hurts but you get stronger.” He tried to explain. 

“I don’t know what to do.” Nicky admitted. “I...I feel like...I want to...I don’t know what to do, I don’t know....” His voice broke and he started to cry anew. “It’s been a year.” He finally explained. 

“I’m sorry.” He murmured, stroking his hair. “A year today?” 

“Yeah.” Nicky leaned into his touch. 

“First year is the hardest.” He said. “It’s...everything makes you miss them more, never done holidays without them, it’s hard.” 

“Yeah.” Nicky shut his eyes, but tears still leaked down his cheeks anyway. “I’m trying.”

“Doing good.” Alex promised. Rookie year, homesickness, it was all a lot to deal with on top of the heartbreak of grief. “You wanna talk or not talk?” He offered. 

“I don’t know if I can.” Nicky admitted quietly. “I want to, I just…”

“I get it.” Alex assured him. “It’s ok.” 

“Thank you.” Nicky whispered. 

After a while, Alex turned on the TV, keeping Nicky wrapped up in his arms. Nicky was still sniffling, his finger gripping tight to Alex’s jacket. 

“I can move.” He offered after a bit. 

“It’s ok.” Alex said, squeezing him tighter. 

“Ok.” Nicky nodded, staying close. “Thank you.”

They sat in silence, mindlessly watching whatever movie Alex had landed on. Nicky had his eyes closed, his muscles shaking a bit from fatigue or emotions. 

Alex was dozing off when Nicky spoke. “It was a car crash,” he said. Alex held his breath. “It was snowing.” 

“I’m sorry.” Alex whispered. 

“He was coming home from the store. It wasn’t- he didn’t go that far.” Nicky turned his face to Alex’s chest, a jagged sob sounding painful, like a spear pulled out of his chest. 

———

They fell asleep tangled up with each other and Alex didn’t wake up until his alarm went off. 

Nicky spent the whole day barely talking. He looked pale, almost sickly. Between Alex and Nylander, they were able to shield him from too much attention. Michael gave Nicky Advil “for your headache” just loud enough to let a few others hear, and that deterred most questions. 

“You ok?” Michael asked, sitting beside Nicky after morning skate. Nicky shrugged, barely looking up from picking at his lunch. “Nicklas…” Michael prodded gently. 

“A year ago...I...I lost him.” He whispered. “I...I just can’t believe it’s been a year.” 

Michael wrapped an arm around him. “I’m sure he’s proud of you.” He assured him. “I am, if it matters.” 

Alex’s eyes went misty and Nicky bit his lip, his hand clenching tighter around his fork. “Thank you.” He murmured, avoiding looking up. “I’m gonna- I need to shower.” He decided, standing abruptly. 

Michael watched him go with a worried gaze. “Has he talked to you at all?” He asked. 

“Yeah, but-”

“It’s ok, it’s ok. I just wanted to know if he’s talked to someone. I think it’ll be good for him.” Michael said quickly. “You know better than a lot of people what he’s going through. It’s- I can’t imagine.”

“It’s different, but...it’s not, you know.” 

“It’s so hard to lose anyone so close to you.” Michael said, nodding. “Especially so young.” 

Alex went upstairs to check on his roommate after he’d finished eating, bringing a sandwich up with him, just in case. 

Nicky was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. He was taking deliberate, even breaths and he looked terribly lost and delicately held together. 

“You ok?”

Nicky shook his head. “No.” He admitted, his voice raspy. 

“Can I help?” 

“I don’t know.” Nicky whispered. 

“One year isn’t that long.” Alex said, sitting down next to him. “Still...11 years for me, and it’s still hard sometimes. Still hurts.” He said. 

Nicky looked up. “You said-“

“Gets better, but never goes away.” He said quickly. “Some days, it’s ok, some days it’s not. But, more ok days now, for me.”

Nicky nodded slowly, taking another breath and trying to calm himself down. 

“You want to eat?” Alex asked, offering the sandwich. Nicky shook his head and Alex set it aside. “You want to nap?” 

Nicky’s cheeks were pink. “Sure.” He curled and hugged a pillow to his chest. Alex squeezed his calf and got up, taking off his shoes and laying down in his own bed. 

Alex thought he caught a glimpse of wishfulness in Nicky’s face, but he couldn’t pretend to know what for. 

———

They lost a brutal 6-2 game that night and no one wanted to talk, least of all Nicky. 

———

Afterwards, Alex went out determined to get drunk. After only two drinks, he started to feel guilty; Nicky didn’t join the team. He worried about leaving him alone; he didn’t like to be alone on the anniversary. 

Alex paid his tab and walked back to the hotel. 

He almost missed the figure sitting on the curb outside. He did a double-take. “Nicky?”

“Hi.” Nicky said, his voice watery and bleak. 

It was too cold to be outside, especially without a coat. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” Nicky covered his face. “I don’t know, I don’t know.” His words slurred, like his tongue was too thick. 

Alex knelt down in front of him, gently pulling his hands down. “Let’s go inside.” He offered. “Too cold out here.” 

Nicky leaned forward, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, half-frantic. “I’m sorry.” 

“Nicky, what’s wrong?” Alex asked, brow creasing. 

His breath smelled like alcohol; he may not have gone out, but he’d succeeded in getting drunk where Alex had failed. “I-I can’t. I jus’- I don’t know what to do.”

“What to do about what?”

“I- it’s only been a year. I don’ know, I don’t know how long…how long it...I don’ know-” He was rambling. 

“Nicky!” Alex jostled him a bit, trying to jar him back to himself. “What’s wrong? What happened?” He was starting to get truly worried, afraid for Nicky, of what could make him lose his composure so completely. Anyone could’ve found him outside, or maybe no one; Alex wasn’t sure what would’ve been worse. 

Nicky looked tearful. “When do you think...when do you think it’s ok to- to like someone else?” He looked devastated, guilt ridden, overcome by emotions. 

Alex sat back on his heels. “Oh, Nicky…” he sighed. “Let’s go inside and we can talk, ok? It’s too cold out here.”

Nicky sniffled and nodded. He swayed trying to get to his feet and Alex had to steady him before he could tip over. “How much did you drink?” 

Nicky shrugged, seemingly focused on just walking, avoiding answering. 

They managed to make it to their room without anyone seeing them, which Alex was grateful for; Nicky was too fragile looking and Alex just wanted to protect him. 

The Swede collapsed into his bed, hugging the pillow and pressing his face into it; hiding. 

“You like someone?” Alex asked gently. 

“I-I don’ know.” Nicky didn’t look up. “I-I want to, I jus’...I don’t know if it’s...I don’t know if I should.” He trailed off quietly. 

“I think...probably not a right answer, you know?” There was no manual for what to do when you lost one of the most important people in your life, no set of step-by-step instructions for when it felt like the world ended but you had to keep going. “It’s...it feels weird to do normal things, but you have to, right?”

“I guess.”

“I don’t know Lukas but...he probably wants you to be happy, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Nicky nodded, still not looking up. 

“Not fair for you if you’re alone the rest of your life.” Alex continued gently. 

Nicky stayed quiet. None of what had happened was fair; in a fair world, they’d never have conversations like this. 

After a long moment, Nicky looked up. “I don’t know if...I don’t know how to...I don’t know if I’m ready.” 

“Don’t have to rush.” Alex shrugged. 

———

Alex wasn’t sure who Nicky liked, or wanted to like. A small part of his brain wondered if it was him, but maybe he was just projecting. 

Mike was probably straight, but that didn’t mean Nicky couldn’t have a crush. 

Or maybe it was someone not on the team. Maybe it was someone from back home, someone who’d known Lukas. 

He tried not to dwell on it.

———

“His sister called me in the middle of the night.” Nicky said. He was laying on the couch, not looking at Alex at all. “At first, I thought...I hoped it was a bad prank.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Nicky swallowed. “I...He was...he was already...they said-“

“Nicky-“

“They said he was probably- he probably died as soon as he crashed.” Alex didn’t have anything to say to that; there was nothing that could make it better. “I never got to say goodbye.” He added, barely louder than a whisper. 

“That makes it hard.” Alex said. “With Sergei, it was fast too.” 

“I...if we were married, I would be...but we weren’t yet. It was like...like some people didn’t think we were as serious because we were young, we weren’t married.”

Alex frowned. “That’s stupid.”

“Yeah.” Nicky closed his eyes. “They acted like...like I didn’t deserve to be so upset.”

“People said that?!” Alex sat up, dislodging the remote from where it had been resting on his chest and sending it clattering to the floor. “That’s bullshit.” 

“His aunt said I shouldn’t help plan the service. Since I wasn’t family.”

“Fuck that bitch.” Alex said, hot anger coursing through his veins. 

“Some people we knew, not friends but...you know, just people we’d played with or whatever...they said...they said things like that too. That...like we weren’t real. I- we were together for 5 years.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Yeah.” Nicky covered his face with his hands for a moment. “We were going to get married last summer. Instead…” he trailed off, breathing heavily.

“Nicky...?”

“Instead I took flowers to his grave.” He said, voice choked. “Fuck! It wasn’t- this isn’t- this isn’t how it was supposed to be!” Nicky sat up hastily, his face red. 

“I was gonna get married! Lukas was going to come to the US with me. We were going to- I don’t know! We were supposed to have so much time together and…” Nicky looked up, looking broken. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” He admitted quietly, his voice catching. 

Alex crossed the room to hug him, wrapping his arms around him. His eyes were wet and a couple tears slipped down his cheeks, disappearing against Nicky’s curls. 

“I don’t know.” Alex said. “There’s no good answers. Nothing I say can make it better or- just, there’s nothing good to say. It fucking sucks.” 

Nicky gave a ragged, half-desperate laugh. “Yeah, it does.” He had a hand gripped tight to him, needy in a way Nicky usually didn’t show. 

“We still have to keep going. Can’t just...can’t just give up.”

“I know.” Nicky leaned his forehead against Alex’s shoulder, fingers clutching his hoody. “Fuck, I hate this.” 

———

“No, thank you.” Nicky shook his head as Mike offered him a shot. 

It caught Alex’s attention. 

“You ok?” He asked a bit later; he couldn’t remember the last time he saw Nicky decline a drink. 

Nicky blushed, shrugging. “I...every time I drink I...it makes it worse.” He said softly, fiddling with the ring through his shirt. 

Alex squeezed his arm. “You want to leave?”

“No, I’m ok.” Nicky said. 

“Go get soda, they give free soda if they think you’re the DD.” Alex suggested. 

Nicky bit his lip, looking towards the bar thoughtfully for a moment before getting up. 

He returned with an orange soda, a grin splitting across his face when Alex started to laugh at him. 

———

“You got your driver's license, right?” Mike asked. They were going to the mall for no other reason than that they could. Alex was the king of DDR and he was going to school them, hopefully to be rewarded with a soft pretzel. 

Nicky looked up. “Yeah.”

“When are you gonna get a car?”

Nicky shrugged. “I don’t know.” 

“I mean, I don’t mind driving you around, I just wondered.” Mike said.

Nicky looked out the window, shoulders drawn up. He ghosted his fingertips over the ring. “I don’t really like driving.” Nicky admitted. 

Mike snorted. “Yeah, DC traffic sucks.” He agreed. 

Nicky nodded. “Yeah.” 

It probably wasn’t the traffic. Mike didn’t bring it up again, which Alex was thankful for. 

———

“I want to tell Mike.” Nicky said quietly one night, curled up on the other end of the couch in the Nylander basement. The kids had gone to bed and Nicky and Alex had been playing Mario party by themselves. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah.” Nicky nodded. “Could you...could you be there?”

Alex squeezed his ankle. “Yeah, no problem.” He promised. 

There was no truly good moment to bring up something like that, but Nicky managed to find a suitable one. 

They’d been at Mike’s apartment watching football and Nicky had been nervously fidgeting with the ring under his hoodie since the game started. Finally, he straightened up. 

“Can I show you something?” He asked. 

Mike looked up. “Sure. What’s up?” 

Nicky unclasped the chain and held it out. Alex had never gotten a good look at the ring; it was silver and plain, simple. 

Mike took it and turned it over in his fingers before looking up. Alex was holding his breath, worried he’d make a joke or tease Nicky, but maybe he could feel the weight of this. 

Nicky didn’t quite manage to look up. “I...that’s...I gave it to someone. Lukas. We were...we were engaged and...he died.” He said, stumbling over the words. 

Mike’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, Nicky…” he whispered. “That’s awful.” He hugged him tight. 

“Yeah.” Nicky agreed, using the hug to hide his face a bit. 

“When...when did that…” Mike paused. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me, I just...Holy shit.” 

“A year ago.” Nicky admitted. “I wanted to tell you but...I just, I didn’t know how.”

“It’s ok. Thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.” Mike handed the ring back to him and Nicky was quick to put it back on. Alex squeezed his shoulder, feeling slight tremors running through him. 

———

Of all the people to put their foot in their mouth, it was Brooks. 

“You got a secret Valentine back home?” Brooks asked, when Mike had started mercilessly pelting everyone with heart-shaped chocolates after practice. 

Nicky shook his head, a hand briefly touching the ring through his shirt. Alex wasn’t really paying attention; Nicky didn’t need to be protected, especially not from Brooks. 

Maybe Brooks thought Nicky was being coy by not really answering. “You suuuure?” He teased playfully. “Handsome guy like you?” 

Nicky took a breath, shrugging his shoulders. His cheeks were red. “Stop it.” He mumbled. 

Brooks laughed, not deterred. “Nicky’s got a girlfriend.” He singsonged, dropping a couple chocolates in his lap. “C’mon, what’s her name?” 

Alex was honestly considering making something up just to spare them all from having this conversation. 

“I had a fiancé.” Nicky said quietly. “He died.”

“Holy shit, what?” Brooks looked stunned. “I’m so sorry, Nick, I had no idea.”

“It’s ok.” Nicky handed the chocolates back calmly as he stood. “Ready?” He asked, ignoring Brooks to look at Alex. 

“Yeah.” Alex nodded, following after him. 

There were gentler, more comfortable ways to bring up loss, but Alex got it. Sometimes, you wanted people to feel the discomfort you felt, sometimes you wanted them to feel a bit bad for bringing it up. Sometimes, you just wanted to get it over with, as quick as possible, so you said it bluntly instead of sugarcoating it. It wasn’t sugarcoated for you, after all. 

Halfway down the hall, Brooks caught up with them, a bit out of breath. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to bring all that up.” He said. “If I’d known, I wouldn’t have teased you like that.” 

“It’s ok.” Nicky said, looking down at his shoes. 

“No, I was a jerk. I’m sorry.” Brooks said again. “I shouldn’t have kept at it after you said no.”

“It’s ok.” Nicky repeated. “I didn’t tell you guys.” 

“I won’t tell anyone.” Brooks promised. “It’s none of my business. I’m sorry, Nicky.” 

“Thank you.” Nicky mumbled. 

In the car, Nicky looked tired, and not just by practice. “How do you tell people? It’s...I don’t need people to feel sorry for me.” 

“I just tell people.” Alex shrugged. “And then they say ‘sorry for your loss’ and then I move on. Easier, because it was so long ago now. I’m...more used to it. Lots of practice.”

Nicky nodded. “I don’t want to tell people.” He said. “But...I want to talk about him too, I just...sometimes I don’t. You know?” He asked quietly. 

Alex nodded. “Yeah, I do.” He agreed. “You tell them and then they know and maybe they can remind you when you don’t want to think about it.” 

“Yeah.” Nicky leaned his head against the window. “Exactly.”

“Good to talk about it though.” Alex said. “It helps, sometimes.” 

———

“I have to go pick up the kids.” Nicky said, standing up from the couch and stretching. “You wanna come with me?” 

“You don’t have a car.” Alex pointed out. 

Nicky rolled his eyes. “I was gonna take the SUV.” He said, referring to the Nylander family car. “Nyles is at the doctor.” He added. 

Alex didn’t really have anything else to do, so he agreed. 

“You drive like an old lady.” He said, grinning when Nicky frowned at him. 

“Whatever. You drive like a crazy person.” He swatted at Alex’s hand when he reached for the radio. 

They picked up the younger kids from the grade school and then the oldest two from the middle school. Nicky navigated the parking lots like he’d done this before; maybe he’d been helping out more since Michael hurt his shoulder. 

“You brought Ovi!” William said excitedly as he clambered into the car. “Maybe he should drive.” 

“Maybe you should shut up.” Nicky retorted, grinning when William grumbled under his breath. 

“Can we go to McDonald’s?” William asked, clearly undeterred. 

“No.”

He kicked the back of Nicky’s seat and Nicky reached back to grab his leg, grinning when William panicked and pulled both feet up. “Why not?”

Nicky sighed. “Because I’ll tell your mom it was your idea and you’ll get in trouble, because you know better.”

William kicked at the seat again. “You are literally the most boring person ever.” 

“Uh huh.” Nicky said, carefully pulling the car back onto the main road. “You have a bedtime, so I think that makes you more boring.”

Alex chuckled and William scowled at both of them, crossing his arms. 

———

“I don’t know how to date.” Nicky said, so off the wall that Alex nearly choked on his drink. 

“What?” He asked, coughing. 

Nicky was blushing. “I...I don’t. I...Lukas asked me out when we were 15. I haven’t been single since then.” 

“I don’t know how either.” Alex said, grinning. “No one asked me out.” 

Nicky rolled his eyes at him. “You didn’t ask anyone?”

“Not seriously.” Alex admitted. “Too busy with hockey.”

Nicky nodded, folding his arms in front of himself, fingers touching the ring for a second. “Do you want to?”

“Yeah. I think...lonely, sometimes.”

Nicky looked down, biting his lip. He was fidgeting with the ring again. “Yeah. I miss…I miss Lukas...I miss being close but...I’m kind of...scared to.”

Alex understood that. “Scared to lose more people.”

“Yeah.” Nicky finally looked up again, catching his eyes for only a moment. 

———

Alex was almost asleep when Nicky spoke. “What if...what if he’s the only one?” He asked into the dark room. 

Alex rolled onto his side. “One what?” He asked, the gap between their hotel beds more like a gulf; Nicky sounded far away, distant. 

Nicky swallowed. “The only...what if Lukas...what if...if I never...if I never love someone else again?” His voice was shaking. “What if that’s the only chance I get?” 

“S’not how it works.” 

“What if I never...what if no one ever...what if I don’t meet anyone?” 

Alex sat up on the edge of the bed. “You will.”

“I don’t know.” Nicky scrubbed at his face, wiping his nose on his sleeve. 

Alex got up and moved to sit on the edge of Nicky’s bed, rubbing his back. “It’ll be ok.” He assured him.

If Nicky grabbed his hand to keep him from leaving, if Alex slept better with Nicky curled up against him, who else needed to know?

———

“Stay and skate with me?” Nicky asked when Alex went to leave. Almost no one else was on the ice and he was starting to get hungry. “Just for a bit?” He added, maybe sending Alex’s reluctance. 

Alex looked back at the tunnel, watching Sasha and Mike shove at each other before disappearing around the corner, and then back at Nicky. 

“Ok.” Alex agreed, butterflies in his stomach when Nicky grinned brightly at him. “You’re buying lunch after.”

“Sure.” Nicky agreed easily, snagging a puck and turning away from Alex, daring him to give chase. 

After a while, they were more roughhousing than practicing and Nicky was laughing, glowing with happiness. Alex shoved him up against the boards and Nicky went breathless for a moment, his eyes flitting from Alex’s mouth to his eyes. 

“Sorry.” Alex said, giving him some space. He hadn’t meant to push him so hard. 

“S’okay.” Nicky said, tracing his fingers over the ring before dropping his hand deliberately. “Lunch?” He offered. 

———

“Can I show you a picture?” Nicky asked. 

Alex lifted his head from the pillow, looking up to where Nicky was sitting at the foot of the bed with a shoebox. “Sure.”

Nicky scooted up, handing him a photo. “From school.” He explained. “That’s Lukas.” He pointed, as though Alex wouldn’t know who was who. 

Lukas was taller than Nicky, and lankier. He looked like he was laughing. He had light brown hair that fell in his face. In the picture, he had an arm around Nicky. The blond looked even younger than he did at the draft, his cheeks even more round.

“Cute couple.” Alex said. 

Nicky smiled at that, looking pleased. “Thanks.” 

He showed him more. Old Polaroids from when Nicky and Lukas were kids. Newspaper clippings with pictures of the hockey team. More formal looking photos, like from a wedding. “A teammate got married.” Nicky explained. 

Lukas was always beaming and Nicky...Alex had never seen Nicky look so lighthearted and happy, and it broke his heart. Nicky was smiling as he flipped through the photos, periodically laughing at one that was particularly funny. 

“This one was from when Lukas cut his own hair.” He said, passing one to Alex. In the photo, Lukas was laughing and reaching at the camera, like to stop the picture from being taken. 

At the bottom of the stack, Nicky’s expression slipped from fond to sad. Nicky’s hands were shaking when he passed him another picture. 

All the others could be two good friends, but this one was more intimate. It was poorly lit, somewhere outside at night, and Lukas was kissing Nicky’s forehead. Nicky had his hands around his waist. It was devastatingly tender and for a moment Alex forgot to breathe. 

Nicky covered his face and took a deep breath, trying to control himself. He stifled a sob, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, shit.” He rasped, trying to pull himself together.

Alex hugged him, rocking him back and forth. “It’s ok, it’s ok.” He murmured, though it obviously wasn’t. 

———

Nicky caught Alex by the sleeve as they walked through downtown Miami, his fingers brushing over his hand. A lot of the guys were heading to bars, trying to figure out which ones let in patrons 18 and up. Their intense focus meant they didn’t really notice that Alex and Nicky were lagging behind, talking quietly. 

“Can we get ice cream?” Nicky asked suddenly. 

“Sure.” Alex agreed. He looked over his shoulder, but their group was already half a block away; they could call if they wanted to meet up again. 

There was an ice cream place across the street and they sat outside with their cones, people watching. 

“You like Miami?” Alex asked. 

“It’s nice.” Nicky looked up. “It’s...too warm for winter though. I think I’d miss snow.” 

Alex laughed. “Summer would be too hot.”

“Oh god, yeah.” Nicky agreed. “Maybe...if you were at the beach all day, then it would be ok.”

“Yeah. You’d probably need lots of sunscreen. Too pale.” He poked Nicky’s cheek to make his point, laughing more when Nicky wrinkled his nose and tried to slap his hand away. 

“Whatever, fuck you.” He grumbled, smiling anyway. 

Alex gave him a smug grin, resting his arm over the back of the bench. Nicky scooted a bit closer, his leg pressed up against Alex’s. 

———

When Alex got to the optional, before he even got in the locker room, he could hear laughter. He couldn’t place who it was until he rounded the corner and stopped to admire the sight before him. 

Nicky was nearly falling off the bench laughing, distracted halfway through lacing his skates. Sasha was sitting perched on the other bench, a smug smile on his face. 

Mike was covered in glitter. 

“Your face!” Nicky laughed, barely holding himself up. “Oh my god, I wish- I wish we had a video!” 

“You’re an ass.” Mike said, trying not to grin. Nicky’s laughter was contagious. 

“It’s in your eyebrows.” Nicky said, still laughing helplessly. 

“Fuck you guys.” He said, without heat. “I’m going to get you back.” He promised Sasha. 

Sasha did his best to look innocent. “Back for what?” He asked, cocking his head. 

Mike lunged for him and Sasha yelped, which all combined to make Nicky laugh so hard he went silent for a moment. 

Alex took a picture of the chaos before Mike turned on him, suspicious of his involvement. 

———

Nicky called Mike ‘Sparkles’ for a week afterwards, giggling every time he did. Mike couldn’t bring himself to look too annoyed. 

———

Alex was playing video games and Nicky was stretched out beside him on the couch, his toes brushing up against Alex’s thigh and eyes half opened as he watched the screen. 

“Do you want to get coffee?” Nicky asked. 

Alex furrowed his eyebrows, glancing at Nicky and then at the clock on his phone. “It’s almost 11.” He said skeptically. 

Nicky’s cheeks went red. “I meant...maybe tomorrow?”

They didn’t have plans for tomorrow, no practices were scheduled. “Sure, we can get Starbucks.” Alex agreed slowly, still confused. 

Nicky somehow flushed more, nearly scarlet. “I meant- never mind.” He started to get up but Alex grabbed his arm and reeled him back in. 

“What did you mean?” He asked gently. Nicky bit his lip, shaking his head. “Nicky...c’mon.” Alex pried. 

“I meant...do you want to get coffee, like...as a...like, you know…” If he got anymore red, he might explode. Finally, it clicked. 

“Like a date?” Alex asked. Nicky nodded, refusing to look up again. 

“You can say no.” Nicky said softly, finally looking up. “It’s- it’s fine, I-“

“Don’t wanna say no.” Alex said quickly. 

“Oh.” Nicky looked a little stunned, his eyes searching Alex’s for some hint of his thoughts. 

“You sure?” Alex asked. Nicky didn’t seem to be ‘over’ Lukas, whatever ‘over’ may mean. 

“Yeah.” Nicky nodded. “I...I’m sure.”

“Ok.” Alex nodded, smiling. “Let’s get coffee.”

———

Nicky had fussed when Alex insisted on driving him home solely so he could pick him up the next day. Underneath the grumbled protest, though, he looked pleased, maybe that Alex was taking this seriously. 

———

When Alex did pick him up, Nicky hastily slipped out the front door before Alex could put the car in park. He was wearing jeans and a button down shirt, and his hair looked like someone had taken a comb to it. 

He mussed it as he got into the passenger seat, shooting a furtive glance at the door. 

Alex tried not to laugh. “They pick on you?” He teased. 

“The girls wanted to help.” He said, shaking his head so that his curls fell into a more familiar disarray. 

“You look nice.” Alex said, 

Nicky looked up, grinning at him. “Thanks. You do too.” 

They went to the coffee house Brooks was always talking about, which was fairly quiet on a Tuesday afternoon. It was cozy and filled with puzzles, books, and board games. 

They settled in a couple chairs at a corner table, giving them some privacy. 

Nicky looked down at his mug for a while before speaking. “If it...I’ll always have...I’ll always have Lukas in my heart. If that bothers you or you can’t- I understand.” He took a steadying breath. “I just...I can’t forget about him or pretend I don’t still love him. And- and I wanted you to know, before we...before we really...you know, date.” He was red from the tips of his ears down to the collar of his shirt and he sounded like he’d practiced this in his head. 

“I understand.” Alex said. “Do you think you can love me too?” Nicky deserved love, but so did Alex. 

Nicky’s eyes snapped up to meet his. “Yeah. Yes. I think- I want to. I want...I want to be with you and...it’s been hard for me to figure that out.” He paused. “At first, I felt guilty but...I can’t be alone forever.” 

Alex squeezed his hand for a moment before separating again. Maybe this wasn’t a conversation suited for a cafe, maybe they should’ve found a more private spot to be so vulnerable, but he wasn’t going to stop now. 

“Good. I want to be with you too.” He said, watching tension drain from Nicky’s shoulders. “I think, Lukas would want you to be happy.”

Nicky touched the ring for a second before dropping his hand. “Does it bother you if I still...if I still wear his ring like this?”

“No.” Alex shook his head. “It doesn’t.”

Nicky nodded and then cracked a wry grin. “I’m not very good at first date talk.” He admitted. 

Alex leaned back in his seat, laughing. “Awful.” He agreed, kicking his foot into Nicky’s under the table. “You date anyone else?” 

Nicky cleared his throat, blushing. Alex nudged his foot again, prodding him. “Mike, uh, Mike tried to set me up with someone.” He admitted. “But...I didn’t go.”

Alex tried not to smile. “Nicky!” He said, with mock admonishment. “You stand someone up?”

Nicky laughed, ducking his head. “I guess, I...Yeah. I kind of did. I...I felt too...it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t do it.” 

Alex wanted to hold him hand. He settled on bumping his fingers against the back of Nicky’s hand on the table. “This feels right?” He asked. 

Nicky nodded, smiling. “Yeah, it does.”

———

They went on two dates, or one visit to a coffee shop and one late night pizza run, before they did anything more intimate than snuggling on the couch. 

Not that Alex had anything against snuggling. 

They were in a hotel room in Edmonton, eating room service because neither of them wanted to go out. Nicky had a black eye and Alex was sore from getting jabbed in the ribs; going to the bars was the last thing on his mind. 

Nicky was giggling at a story Alex was telling about going sledding with his brothers on the hood of a car. His eyes sparkled and his cheeks had a healthy pink to them and Alex didn’t know he was going to kiss him until he did. 

Nicky stilled for a half second, maybe surprised, before returning the kiss. He was gentle and chaste, his fingers tightening on Alex’s arm when he slipped his tongue between his lips. 

He looked dazed when Alex pulled back, their noses still brushing together. “You ok?”

“Yeah.” Nicky whispered, staring up at him with wide pupils. “Why’d you stop?”

Alex flushed. “Just checking.”

Nicky grinned at him, leaning closer. “I’m ok.” He whispered, lips grazing over Alex’s. Nicky nipped at Alex’s bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth and Alex forgot about his concern. 

He lost track of time in the sweet slide of Nicky’s lips over his, the heat of his body under his hands. 

Nicky was a bit slow to push things along, a bit hesitant to move beyond just kissing, but when Alex bit his neck he moaned and tightened his grip on his arm. 

“This ok?” Alex asked, feeling satisfied as Nicky shivered feeling his warm breath over the bite. 

“Yeah.” He whispered. 

“Yeah?” Alex couldn’t help but tease. 

Nicky pulled him close again, closing the gap between them and kissing him more. Nicky slipped his hands under Alex’s shirt, running his hands across his back. 

Finally, they parted, both a bit breathless and flushed. 

“You...that was…” Nicky let his head flop back against the pillow. 

“You like?” Alex teased. 

“Yeah.” Nicky closed his eyes, slipping his fingers through Alex’s. “A lot.” He admitted, cracking his eyes open to grin at Alex when he chuckled. 

———

“You and Nicky are together?” Mike asked, sidling up alongside Alex after practice. At center ice, Nicky was working on faceoffs. 

“Yeah.” 

Mike nodded slowly. “Is that...look, just be good to him, yeah?” Alex looked over at him, surprised. “I don’t know about everything, but...losing someone like that’s gotta fuck you up.”

“Yeah.” Alex agreed, because there was no real arguing with that statement. 

“He’s seemed really happy lately.” Mike said, lowering his voice. “I didn’t really realize...I’ve never seen him that happy, and that sucks.” Mike smiled at him. “He deserves to be happy.” 

———

It wasn’t always easy, and Nicky wasn’t always happy. Alex knew, objectively, that it wasn’t his responsibility to make Nicky happy. That didn’t make it easier when he wanted to help and Nicky didn’t want it. 

“You ok?” Alex asked, gently nudging Nicky to get his attention. Nicky looked up from his laptop, managing a thin smile. 

“I’m fine.” He said, looking back down. 

“What’s wrong?” Alex pressed. Nicky shrugged his shoulders. “Nicky, you can tell me.”

“It’s nothing. I’m ok.” He said, even quieter, even less convincing. He was tracing patterns on the hotel bedspread, avoiding eye contact deliberately. 

“Nicky….” Alex sighed. “C’mon, it’s just me.” Nicky stiffened and shook his head. “Baaaaackyyyyy.” 

“I’m gonna shower.” Nicky decided, closing his laptop and disappearing into the bathroom. 

Alex sighed and flopped down on the other bed, annoyed. 

Nicky was still in the bathroom when Mike came back from the convenience store down the street, sporting a bag of junk food and booze. 

Alex helped him set up the Xbox and by the time Nicky came out of the bathroom, a few other teammates were in the room and Alex wouldn’t bring it up in front of them. 

Nicky stole the entire bag of gummy bears Mike had bought and left, a glance over his shoulder at Alex before he was out of sight. 

“That looked like a ‘follow me’ look.” Mike said in undertones, pushing at Alex. “Just so you know.” Alex would like to pretend he knew that, but he did not. He got up and followed after Nicky. 

The blond was down the hall a little bit, staring at the vending machine; waiting, maybe. 

“Chocolate and gummies?” Alex teased lightly, grinning when Nicky wrinkled his nose. 

“Gross.” He shook his head. 

Alex wanted to ask again, but clearly that wasn’t well received, so he didn’t. 

Nicky stared at the display for another minute before looking up at Alex, smiling. “Lukas got his arm stuck in one of these, once.” His voice was soft, lost in memory. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. His candy bar got stuck and he tried to grab it...they had to call the fire department.” 

Nicky looked back at his bag of gummies. “Someone sent me a bunch of old pictures they had.” He said quietly, rocking side to side on his feet. “Of- of the team and our friends and- me, and Lukas.” 

“Oh.”

“And...I don’t know. I feel…” Nicky took a breath. “I feel bad. Like...like guilty.”

“Nicky…” Alex intertwined their fingers. “You can’t be sad forever. Just because you lose someone, eventually you’re supposed to be happy again.” 

Alex had almost forgotten the guilt. He’d be happy, he’d have a good day, and then it would hit him; what was he doing being happy when he’d lost the most important person in his life? His mom had made him go to therapy, to have another adult, someone who wasn’t also grief stricken, tell him it was ok, that he was allowed to heal. He tried to remember what they had said. 

“It’s like...like you get a deep cut. It might scar, and always be there, but it has to heal. You have to get better, you can’t bleed forever.”

Nicky nodded, looking down. “I know, I just, I still feel...I feel guilty that I...that I found you and I feel guilty that you have to deal with this and I-“

Alex kissed him to stop the rambling, cupping his cheek with his hand. “I like you.” Alex said. “All of you. I know this is hard. I understand.” 

Nicky’s eyes looked wet, or maybe Alex’s were. “I like you too.” Nicky whispered, his voice a touch husky. 

“Good.” Alex said, smiling when Nicky grinned at that. 

———

Nicky showed him the pictures later, scrolling through the entire album snuggled in against Alex’s chest. 

———

Alex decided to come to the rink on an off day to skate and ran into Nicky leaving. He was wearing sweats and a jacket but he didn’t have any gear and he didn’t look like he’d been working out. 

“Hey.” Alex said, grinning at him. “What are you doing up here?” 

Nicky’s face went scarlet. “I….Uh...I….”

Alex paused, trying to remind himself not to push. “You don’t have to tell me.” He said gently, smiling to himself when Nicky relaxed slightly. 

“No, it’s- it’s ok. I...I've been...I had an appointment.” He looked down at his shoes. “With a, uh, a therapist.” He admitted quietly. 

“Oh, ok.” Alex nodded. “Cool.” Nicky looked up slowly, biting his lip. “I did that too. It’s good.” 

“You were a kid.” Nicky shrugged. 

“Not last year.” Alex said, smiling as a look of surprise crossed over Nicky’s face. 

“Oh. Sorry.” 

“It’s good. Good to talk to someone. It’s like...it’s like a referee for inside your head.” 

Nicky laughed at that, shoulders loose and looking at ease again. “I guess so, yeah.” 

“Do you like it? Think it’s helping?” 

“I don’t...I don’t really like it, it’s more like...I don’t like conditioning either, but…”

“But it’s good for you.” Alex filled in. 

“Yeah.” Nicky nodded. “I didn’t start going until January. I think...I think it’s good. It’s helping.” 

“Good.” Alex squeezed his hand and quickly let go before anyone could see. “You wanna stay and skate with me?” He offered. 

Nicky shook his head. “Nyles drove me.” He fidgeted with the ring under his shirt. “Do you want to get lunch, after?” 

Alex nodded. “Sure. I’ll pick you up.” 

Nicky grinned. “Cool.” 

———

They barely made the playoffs. Alex was trying to be positive, but it was hard. He was exhausted and sore, with bruises and bad dreams haunting him. 

———

Loss felt inevitable. Alex hated it. He couldn’t singlehandedly force them through the playoffs, his one line couldn’t win an entire series. No matter how many beautiful passes Nicky gave him, it wasn’t enough to slow their eventual failure. 

That didn’t mean he didn’t try, didn’t mean it didn’t keep him up at night, but there was only so much one person could do. 

“You’re still up?” Nicky mumbled, squinting at Alex as he played solitaire on his phone. 

“Go back to sleep.”

“Shouldn’t you sleep?” Nicky asked, scooting closer and wrapping an arm around his middle. 

“Not tired.” Alex lied.

“Uh huh.” Nicky yawned. “Sure.”

“Not everyone’s as sleepy as you.” Alex teased, setting his phone aside to kiss Nicky lightly. 

The blond lowered his mouth to Alex’s bare chest, leaving a hickey just below where his collar would sit. 

“Brat.” Alex said, trying not to smile. 

Nicky looked up at him with a lazy grin. “Go to sleep.”

“Hmmm. Maybe if I have more kisses.” 

Nicky giggled, shaking his head. “You’re ridiculous.” He said, kissing him anyway. 

———

They lost. 

———

They lost and Alex wallowed about it for an entire day before Nicky showed up at his door. 

“Hey.” The blond said, a thin smile on his tired face. 

He had a bag of junk food and he didn’t say anything else, settling in on the couch beside Alex. 

They watched garbage reality TV and didn’t talk for hours. 

Finally, Nicky broke the silence. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know.” Alex said, not looking at him. 

“But you still feel like it is.” He continued gently. 

“Yeah.” Alex whispered. 

Nicky scooted closer, hugging him. Alex tucked his face in against Nicky’s neck and held him tight. They stayed there a long time. 

They lost; they didn’t have anything else to do. 

———

They were still intertwined on the couch when Nicky finally spoke. “Do you want to come to Sweden with me?” 

“Yeah.” Alex agreed easily. 

———

It was more involved to get to Nicky’s home than to Alex’s. Alex took a plane to Moscow and that was that. 

They had two flights with a two hour layover before they even got to Stockholm and Nicky then guided him through a series of progressively smaller trains until they finally reached their destination. 

Kris picked them up at the train station, though Nicky assured Alex they could’ve easily walked. Alex was glad they didn’t have to; he felt exhausted. 

The Backstrom family home was cozy and warm. Nicky introduced him to his parents and they were both pleasant, seemingly happy to see him. Alex wondered what they thought of him, what they thought of he and Nicky being together. If they disapproved, it didn’t show. 

Eventually, Nicky led him upstairs, yawning and jet lagged. 

The bedroom was surprisingly bare looking. Alex had been expecting posters and pictures, like his room at home, but the walls empty except for some remnants of tape and torn bits of paper. Nicky shifted uncomfortably as Alex looked at him. 

“I...I got rid of a lot of stuff.” Nicky said quietly. “After…”

Alex nodded. 

“Anyway, I...do you want to rest?” Nicky asked, changing the subject. 

“Sure.” Alex agreed. 

They cuddled up in bed, the curtains drawn but lights still coming in around them, casting the room in a dim light. 

“I ripped everything down.” Nicky admitted softly, when Alex thought he was asleep. “I...everything reminded me of Lukas and...I couldn’t look at it anymore.”

Alex hugged him close. “It’s ok.”

“I’m glad you came with me.” Nicky whispered. “I was nervous to come back. It...I was so...it’s like I was in a fog before I left.” 

Alex kissed his head. “I know, it’s hard.” 

“I went and stayed with my aunt in Stockholm for a while.” Nicky said. “I couldn’t...I couldn’t be in this town anymore.” 

“I wanted to do that.” Alex admitted. “I’ve never wanted to not be in Moscow, but...after Sergei died, I wanted to go anywhere else.” 

“Yeah.” Nicky fidgeted with the edge of Alex’s shirt. “Would you...I want to go see his grave. Would you…” he trailed off, maybe losing his resolve. 

“You want me to go with you?” Alex finished. . 

“Would you?

“Of course.” Alex assured him. 

“Thank you.” Nicky murmured, finally falling asleep, with Alex not far behind. 

———

They didn’t go until the next day. They rode bikes there and Nicky told him about all the places they passed, pointing out friends and relatives houses, streets he used to play stickball on, hills he used to sled down. Usually, Nicky didn’t say so much as once; he must’ve been nervous. 

Nicky left his bike propped up against the gate and Alex followed suit. 

Cemeteries always felt too quiet, too removed from the rest of the world. He didn’t like the creeping discomfort in his skin, discomfort at what graveyards forced you to confront. 

He followed Nicky down the gravel path, until the blond stopped short. Alex followed his gaze to a simple stone, with Lukas’ name etched in the front. There were flowers laid down in front of it and a hockey puck off to the side. 

Alex squeezed Nicky’s shoulder, feeling his heart clench as Nicky knelt down in front of the stone like his body was too heavy. Almost absently, he traced the letters of his name, clearing away bits of grass that had gotten caught there. 

Alex sat down beside him, a hand on his back. 

It had taken Alex years to go visit Sergei’s grave. It was painful when he did; Sergei wasn’t there, would never be there, but he expected...he always expected to feel more than he did. Instead, he usually felt so terribly, unbearably alone. 

Alex was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t realize Nicky was crying until he felt his shoulders start to shake. 

“I’m sorry.” Nicky mumbled. “I’m sorry.” 

Alex hugged him, kissing the top of his head as tears slid down his cheeks. Nicky hid his face against Alex’s chest, sobbing. 

“It’s ok.” Alex murmured. “It’s hard.” 

“I...I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know...I feel like I never know what I’m supposed to do.” Nicky wiped his cheeks dry, even as more tears fell. 

“There’s no one thing. No right thing.” Alex assured him. 

“I know. In my head, I know. I just...it’s still hard.” Nicky looked up. “I loved him. I still love him. And...I love you, and it’s...it’s just so much. I feel...happy I met you, but...guilty, too. I…”

Alex didn’t know what to say; there was nothing to say. “Do you think he’s still here? Can still see you?” Because despite everything they’d talked about, Alex hadn’t asked this yet. 

“I think...I don’t know. I hope so.” Nicky admitted. “Not here, here.” He said, gesturing at the headstone. “But...not gone.” 

“I think...he loves you too, wants you to be happy. Wouldn’t want you to feel bad.”

“Probably would want me to stop crying all the time.” Nicky said with a watery laugh, scrubbing his hand across his cheeks again. “He hated...he hated when people were upset. He was always the one trying to make everyone laugh, even after a bad game.” 

Alex smiled at that. “He wasn’t a sore loser like you?” He teased gently. 

Nicky laughed, shaking his head. His eyes were still bright with tears, his face blotchy, but he smiled at that. “God, no, he was. He just hated when the boys got upset more, I think.” 

Alex pressed another kiss to the top of his head. “You think he’d like me?” He asked, hoping he wasn’t treading into something he ought not. 

“Yeah.” Nicky answered quickly. “He would. He’d like...he’d like how much you like pranks. He always wanted more team pranks. And-and he’d like playing with you.” Nicky lowered his voice, tracing his fingers over the letters again. “And he’d like how you look out for me. How much you’ve helped me.”

Alex swallowed hard, though there was no holding back the tears. “You think he’d like how much I love you?” He asked, his voice barely a whisper. 

Nicky nodded, squeezing Alex’s hand. “Yeah. I think so.” 

They stayed there for over an hour. Nicky told Alex all the things he’d never been able to before, like how Lukas always had to have his blade curved a certain way or exactly how he asked Nicky out when they were teenagers. Or how Lukas ordered pineapple on pizza and everyone made fun of him. He told him about the time Lukas died his hair purple, on a dare, and almost got benched a game for violating the school dress code. 

Nicky twisted the ring between his fingers, the silver catching the sun. “I love you.” He said, looking up at Alex.

“I love you too.”


End file.
